Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me what to do

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID