jesus, what did this guy do
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Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I have a black belt in leather
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
reviewed some movies recently
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.