jesus, what did this guy do
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I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.