Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

🤣

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

awesome draft from months ago i just found

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Who called it baking and not making love

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.