my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
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Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
fixed it
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
He’s dead
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone