Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.