Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

paddle faster i hear baby shark

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

Do not steal food from the science building!

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk