Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

starting a garage orchestra

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

🙂🐾

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

aesthetic

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

“What movie?” 🤔

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car