Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return