Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

me opening up to someone

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

Never let them know your next move 😂

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

So, can we agree on 4 or