Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.