Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Yes, but it was never about money

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?