Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

Posting this on behalf of a friend

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style