Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

Noah

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

Blocked: 1985

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?