Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

this post was so formative to me

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.