Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

lmfao

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

You don’t see great advertising like this anymore

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

i wonder why they stopped looking

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

Nose

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*