Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.