Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
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You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?