@Darlainky

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

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@TheDailySchmuck

*makes third wish*

Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.

[Transformed into really nice handbag]

Dammit.

@spacewizard_t

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

@SirEviscerate

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

@not_delicate

[Looking at something funny on my phone]

Husband: Let me see?
Me: Of course. One second.

[Resets phone to factory settings]

Me: Here you go.

@realHamOnWry

Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.

@BumpyRIde_

I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.

@InsouciantMan

Any man can undress a woman with his eyes. Be different. Undress her with your nose.

@SteveDutzy

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman