Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
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My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine