Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.