Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
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The Others (2001)
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised