Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years