jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

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Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.


Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time


hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield


Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.


Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.


I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift


HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?


Wife. I’m going to bed.

Me. Nooo! Don’t leave me alone with the fridge.


If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.


I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.