@wolfpupy

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

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@JeffisTallguy

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

@KimmyMonte

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

@nachosarah

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

@moxieblogger

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

@sofarrsogud

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

@envydatropic

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

@KalvinMacleod

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

@garrettbarry70

Wife. I’m going to bed.

Me. Nooo! Don’t leave me alone with the fridge.

@stacetoned

If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.

@sandjoeman

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.