jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
You Might Also Like
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
my friends when i can’t do basic math
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.