Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
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Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
how to have fun when you’re poor
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
