Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
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My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry