Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
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During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
lol
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Gross if literal…Liverpool
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!