Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

Smile Twitter, Smile.

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.