Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
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Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
My diet starts in January
of 2027
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.