Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

In space, no one can hear…

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer: