Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot