Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

Thursday

Stop sending me this shit.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.