Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

Every time my phone rings

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

Life with a cat in one tweet

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?