Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

My dream car is a taco truck.

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity