[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
You Might Also Like
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
(more comics:
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.