I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
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Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
The question is not what am I doing in your house, the question is why are you home from work early?
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun