@Tmoney68

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

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@SentenceReduced

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

@iGreenMonk

“Hey. Can I call you back? I’m in a middle of something.”

“You said that a week ago.”

“Ya. I’m still working on it.”

@ThaJawn

*puts a gun against a magician’s back

Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears

@junejuly12

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

@junejuly12

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

@yoyoha

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

@Darlainky

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

@JD_KC

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

@SICKOFWOLVES

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

@SomthinBoutSara

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!