I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
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“Hey. Can I call you back? I’m in a middle of something.”
“You said that a week ago.”
“Ya. I’m still working on it.”
*puts a gun against a magician’s back
Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!