@Tmoney68

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

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@errdayhustlah

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

@StevioSquared

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

@ArfMeasures

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

@HannahAntics

30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.

@CrockettForReal

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

@JessObsess

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

@jamitupin

The question is not what am I doing in your house, the question is why are you home from work early?

@DanMentos

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

@PaperWash

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun