Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
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If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.