jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
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[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
we all know this pain all too well
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?