jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
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*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
this is what they would have looked like, though
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
