jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
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Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.