jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones