jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
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PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher