jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
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Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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D
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As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.