jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 馃檨
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When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
if I鈥檓 ever found dead in the woods, it鈥檚 probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Being a parent isn鈥檛 just a job it鈥檚 a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that鈥檚 actively trying to kill you.
Him: You鈥檝e got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don鈥檛 have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don鈥檛. I mean you could, but you don鈥檛 hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
we don鈥檛 give my son hot dogs not because they鈥檙e unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there鈥檚 nothing special about her at all.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Don鈥檛 ask me if I鈥檓 participating in no nut November, call me when it鈥檚 time for Donut December
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I鈥檓 just happy that this isolation hasn鈥檛 really changed me as a person, you know?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won鈥檛 turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
If it wasn鈥檛 for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn鈥檛 be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn鈥檛 planned this. He didn鈥檛 have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out