Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

When can I start eating bats again.

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled