Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.