Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

!!!!!!!!!!!

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

Never be a pizza!

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.