Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

A huge thanks to the person that did this

Monday?
No. Next question.

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.