Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

sin harder.

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

Asking the real questions!

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone