Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days