jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
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It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Every haunted house movie:
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
My dream job is getting paid to dream
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
moms in horror movies
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*