jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
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When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.