Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
You Might Also Like
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
2022: I can fix it
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.