Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

Nothing.