Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
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Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
“What movie?” 🤔
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.