Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.