Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
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Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
remember
only for emergencies
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.