Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
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*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Wednesday
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”