Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

Uh oh…

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

are there any atheist mantises?

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.