Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
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me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).