Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
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What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
This line from Airplane.
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So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters