Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
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Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
meanwhile over on facebook
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
found this cool rock hiking today
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”