Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.