Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

You don’t even know

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets