Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
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BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
so, is there a mister shapen head
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”