SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
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[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌