Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

here we go again

is there nothing we can trust anymore

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

Buck naked

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody