Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude