Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3