JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
