Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
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Me, flirting😏
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
everyone’s a critic