My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
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Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
~A parenting haiku.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: *places my natural charisma gently on the ground*
Don’t judge me for my race, don’t judge me for my gender.
Judge me because I’ve read all four of the Twilight books.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Daughter: next week is spirit week for Homecoming.
Me: oh yeah?
Daughter: so our class color is red – I want to do something really memorable and different. Any ideas?
Me: *thinking of Carrie* hmmm, nothing comes to mind.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
ITS A NELSON MANDALA. WHO EVEN COMMITS TO A PUN LIKE THAT.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]