@Swain_Train47

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

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@cosmicbibi

My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors.

@LosLos__

Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

~A parenting haiku.

@notfunnyelle

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: *places my natural charisma gently on the ground*

@zarascottio

Don’t judge me for my race, don’t judge me for my gender.
Judge me because I’ve read all four of the Twilight books.

@AbbyHasIssues

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

@Divergentmama

Daughter: next week is spirit week for Homecoming.

Me: oh yeah?

Daughter: so our class color is red – I want to do something really memorable and different. Any ideas?

Me: *thinking of Carrie* hmmm, nothing comes to mind.

@MaraWilson

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

@ATTLien

ITS A NELSON MANDALA. WHO EVEN COMMITS TO A PUN LIKE THAT.

@HatfieldAnne

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

@NewDadNotes

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]