Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
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thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
The first one, obviously
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Remember folks 😂
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript: