Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
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TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.