Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch