Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah