Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My zodiac sign is pistachio

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

scrabbled eggs

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

This kid will have a bright future.

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.