Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
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My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.