Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
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Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than