Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
You Might Also Like
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
