Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*