Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
You Might Also Like
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I didn’t come here to be called names
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.