jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
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It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth